Friday, November 25, 2011

So much for being over it

I am for the most part over it. On a normal day to day situation I can deal. No, seriously I can.

Yesterday after dinner my son and I were playing with Abby who was babbling on the couch. My 7 year old, babbling like a one year old and the waterworks started.

I asked my son if he ever wondered. If he ever wondered what our lives would be like had his sister been normal. Would I have gone back to work? Would we not be dirt poor living on one income? Would she have helped me on Thanksgiving....or complained and threw a fit cause she didnt want to...stomping out of the room..blaming me for the end of the world for being asked to set the table?

By the time I got it all out I was sobbing, my daughter still babbling and chewing her hands was smiling at me on the couch.

My teenage son, wise beyond his years. He looked at me and said,"Mom. stop. She's the happiest person I have ever seen. She wants for nothing and all she knows is she is loved. Her whole world revolves around her and she loves it. Stop doing this to yourself."

Wow. I wonder if he would be so smart had this not happened. He seems so much older than his peers. Is that a good or bad thing? I don't remember being that sensitive at his age. I pretty much cared about nothing outside of myself at nineteen.

I hope more than anything that this has been for a reason. To teach my son compassion. To do whatever it is it is supposed to do for me. Make me a tool for others. I don't know.

Living with Rett Syndrome...we don't often say this out loud. It sometimes feels like our child died one day. We call it D day. And we are forced to live on with a trapped soul without a body that works. Holidays suck. Hurts like hell.

There are day's...fewer and further between...that I don't think I will survive this. Like today

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

she will never talk back say mean things use drugs be emotionally crushed by a boy get divorced fail a test she will never leave me i will cherish her till the day i die and far beyond she loves like nothing you will ever come in contact with on this earth she is not a "sweetheart" she is the SWEETEST heart. that is our Rett girl, yours too! Summer is 6 as well, I have had her under chiropractic care to try to prevent or slow spinal problems, i believe in it and your angel may recieve comfort if nothing else from the chiropractic therapy hope you recieve this in good spirit