Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I am not Superwoman

Big surprise eh?

Eh? Yeah I have been awfully Canadian lately. Don't know what's up with that except for maybe the ton of special needs Mom's I have meet through the group A4CWSN lately.

I threw in the towel last week and finally called the agency to get a caregiver back over here. After 14 caregivers and nurses in 2 years I had had it and kicked everyone out of here. Part of me had the guilt trip that I stay at home so I should be able to take care of her on my own. The other part of me was just sick and tired of having people in my home and in my life that were weird or stole or you couldn't count on. 14 in 2 years. I liked 3 of them.

This summer I tore discs in my back and went into months of Physical therapy. Now I know I have a bad back but nothing I seem to do stops it from going out at the littlest sneeze or lift. Abby weighs 50 pounds now and we have 3 floors....I feel like I'm justifying this decision. I'm not. I'm just getting it out. OK Yes I am.

Late this summer I passed out on my front porch after no sleep for a few days and heat exhaustion. That incident has cost us almost 4 grand. 4 grand when we dont have 4 dollars. I just can't do it anymore. I need someone with her 24/7. Since that is me a 4 hour break a day shouldn't leave me feeling this guilty should it? I do it by myself all night long and while getting her ready for school. It's time someone helped me after school.....OK yeah I feel guilty. Why? Am I being lazy? I mean she is gone from 830am to 430 pm right? Auuugghh.

Saturday night for the first time in forever I went out. I had won tickets to Guns N' Roses. I went with my son. Yeah no kidding. Old ass me rocking out in the pit right against the stage. I had the time of my life. Everyone has their ROCK or Music Legend. That person for me is and always has been Axel Rose. I haven't always necessarily agreed with him and his decisions but that voice and that music. Never ever get tired of it and he was 10 feet from me. And he brought it. No Slash. No Duff and he tore the house down!

To say I got beat up,smashed and was sore and tired after the concert would be a joke. I felt like I had been in a car wreck. I laid in bed when I got home wondering if I should go to the ER or something. I hurt too bad to move or sleep..then it started. Out of nowhere Abby started to projectile vomit. 4 am. I could barely stand and I had to get up and turn,vent and hold her head to keep her from choking on her own vomit. I had to do this with no sleep for 2 more days.

This is the life I live. I should not feel guilty.

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