Saturday, April 27, 2019

Abbyworld 2019. Begin again.

Wow. Over a year since I blogged. So much to say, so many stories to tell.

There were many reasons I stopped blogging. So many reasons. I thought it was just me until I saw that many of us who used to blog weekly or some had just kind of faded away.....

Why is that? I know for me there were personal reasons. Truthfully as tough as I come off I cannot handle criticism. Never have been able to. When you open yourself up like this you get as many trolls and keyboard bullies as you do supporters. That was tough for me. In my day people just didn't say hateful, snarky and disrespectful stuff without getting their butts kicked. Today people have no fear of that.

I live in a world where I love every day. I spend every moment caring and loving someone with everything I have. People I know or don't know feeling the need to spout off about that gets to me.

I started to slow down when I discovered we...or Abby has a few unsavory fans. That made me sick to my stomach. I felt the need to protect her.

The biggest reason had to just went on. Things changed. When our (our being us bloggers) with kids in the same age group were young we often wondered why mothers of older girls were so angry and bitter and easily set off. We don't wonder anymore. And sadly older can mean anything over 12. Do you remember what it was like to have a young baby? The up all night? the diaper changing? The carrying and lifting? Imagine that never ending.  I'm not saying she's a baby before anyone jumps down my throat. But physically…..those needs didn't change. She just got bigger. Adult size and I am still up all night, still lifting, still feeding, still medicating. still watching her breathe. Still walking up in a panic....every time I wake up for fear that I didn't hear something. that I will find her.....

Abby went from Miss Cutie that could walk and eat and talk in her own language to..... not so much anymore. She's still cute. More than cute. The list of people that just go away got longer and I am tired. I AM SO TIRED.

Abby is 14 now. Yes. 14. She's a little over 5 ft tall. As we speak she is drugged and in her bed to help with the screaming pain she is dealing with right now.

This Tuesday will mark 3 weeks since I handed her little body and life over to a surgeon to fix what had become her mangled hips, legs and feet. Rett Syndrome had already taken her spine. We had that corrected 2 yeas ago. Since then her hips they insisted needed rebuilt before the spinal had completely come out. Her left shin bone started to bend and her feet dangled like marionette feet. She had completely lost the ability to walk unassisted and even standing made her pat her hips and look at us with her pleading eyes.

In December the decision was made to fix both her hips, lengthen her adductor muscles, correct her left leg and feet. It was a lot and a big decision we didn't take lightly. I struggled if this was putting her through this because I couldn't except that she couldn't walk anymore. After several therapies and visits it was obvious that she was in pain. In pain every day. I needed to fix that. Even if she still never walks again I cant let her hurt.

So on April 9th they took her...for 8 hours. She ended up with 9 places they either cut bone and plated or cut and lengthened muscles. She no longer has crooked legs and hips and feet. She is miserable though. We haven't heard her voice except to whimper and cry. My little singer is silent. I used to joke that the silent on my angel was broken. What I bet most of my friends would give if their daughters made even some of the noises Abby did.

She is having an incredibly difficult time. She has lost weight....she didn't have much she could afford to lose. at this time her stomach will only process Pedialyte so there will be more.

My hope is to get her back on her feet one wish is that no matter what she doesn't have to deal with the pain she was having every day. Until then Every breath I take is for her. For as long as I have her it will be. Because to me this is Abbysworld. I am but a humble servant to my Princess and always will be.

I am also a Mom to her Bubba...when he lets me. But he's grown. He will always be my Prince.

I will try to be better. To do better. To be worthy of her.

I will try to get some rest. One day. Some day so I can be a better......everything. I am sure many of you miss my incredible wit and I know I do.